How to Keep the Peace at the Thanksgiving Table During Turbulent Times

Photo by Any Lane

Article written by Therapist Carrie Krawiec, LMFT

It seems as though things are more polarized than ever, but the truth is that divisive topics such as politics and religion have always been a part of family meals. So, if you are dreading the upcoming holiday season for fear that it will be ruined by rigid beliefs and rude comments, take comfort in knowing that change starts with you. Although you cannot always predict and plan for each politicized topic or passionate family member’s comment, you can create a space that is safe for yourself and those you love. 

Here’s a list of several ways to prepare for those uncomfortable conversations long before your guests arrive:

1. Plan over panic. Plan ahead to anticipate your needs and comfort. While you can try communicating with your guests about what topics are off limits, remember that it is very difficult to control people but much easier to control what you do and how you respond. Create a safe word with an ally, alongside an exit strategy, and enlist the ally in the event that topics get uncomfortable, as time and space are two important boundaries.
2. Anticipate antagonism. We all know certain family members who love to get a reaction from guests at family events. To combat that situation long before it starts, think ahead and plan for positive or pleasant topic changes, fun activities and games. And prepare for ways or methods to be able to gather yourself in the moment – for example take a walk, break out old family photos or videos, visit the restroom for a quiet moment, or bring out a game to change the tone. Also, another way to diffuse the situation would be to let the person know that you would be very interested in discussing that topic with them on another day and in another setting. And if you are the one complaining about the topic being discussed, make sure you keep it to what you’re complaining about, not a complaint about the person.  Remember a criticism is a character attack, a complaint is about an issue.
3. Establish boundaries. Let go of your will to control others and think about how you can control yourself. Time and space are two of our most accessible boundaries. Think about small, medium, and large ways you can set boundaries, either by leaving the room, leaving the party, taking a break, or just taking a few minutes to collect yourself. 
4. Mindfulness matters. Pay attention to your feelings and take steps to cope and calm. Physical activity, prayer, deep breaths and gratitude are all ways mindfulness can reduce stress and avoid predictable family discord. 
5. Evaluate expectations. There’s a saying I use in sessions that goes, happiness equals reality minus expectations. In other words, if you arrive expecting a family-wide kumbaya, you may be disappointed.  While a large group setting may be okay for being civil with difficult family members, it might not be the right scenario for repairing old hurts, diving into deep conversations, or revisiting old wounds. If the opportunity arises, consider suggesting postponing to a later date and a more private setting.
6. Expect the unexpected. Be kind to yourself and your family if things do not go as planned. The “perfect” holiday is a myth, and attempts to recreate the glory days often go unrequited. Show compassion to yourself, your kids, and others if things are not the Facebook photo op you imagined. 
7. Limit accelerants. Social media will cause comparison and a false idea of what family and holidays should be, and that can create extra pressure and feelings of inadequacy. Alcohol can also contribute to experiences of stress, inadequacy, and argumentativeness that will make a bad situation worse. Both should be limited.

While the holiday season should be a time of togetherness and joy,

it can also include stress, family drama, and triggers of old trauma. By setting reasonable expectations, a thoughtful plan, and methods of redirection to implement, feelings of failure can be prevented, and an opportunity to have a family meal that protects the emotional well-being of all involved can be established. 

Carrie Krawiec, LMFT, is a therapist at Birmingham Maple Clinic, a nationally accredited, private outpatient mental health clinic located in Troy, whose team includes more than 30 clinicians, including psychologists who provide both assessments and therapy, psychiatrists, social workers, marriage and family therapists, and licensed professional counselors.    

Link to Carrie’s Profile: Here