What Can You Say to Help Someone with Cancer?

What Can You Say to Help Someone with Cancer?

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This year alone, 238,000 men will be diagnosed with new  cases of prostate cancer, the most common incidence of the disease. More than  234,580 men and women will learn they have breast cancer, the second most common  today, according to the National Cancer Institute.

All told, about 13.7 million Americans are living with  cancer or a history of cancer.*

Chances are, you know one or more of them.

“Friends, family, co-workers – they can all play an  important role in helping a cancer patient’s recovery simply by providing  emotional support,” says pioneering cancer psychotherapist Dr. Niki Barr, author  of “Emotional Wellness, The Other Half of Treating Cancer,”  (canceremotionalwellbeing.com).

After a diagnosis of cancer, people have a greater need for  social support, which has been shown to influence health outcomes, according to  a National Institutes of Health report. Of the nine types of social support, the  report says emotional support is among the most important.

“Even if you’re not among the person’s closest friends or  family, you can help far more than you imagine simply by being encouraging and  supportive,” says Barr, who works exclusively with cancer patients and their  loved ones.

“I understand people don’t always know what to say to  someone who’s just been diagnosed or is in the midst of treatments and yes,  sometimes they do say the wrong thing,” Barr says. “I remind my patients often  to refuse to listen to cancer ‘horror stories,’ so please, don’t tell  those!”

While everyone is different, Barr says that she’s found a  few things her patients consistently say benefit them:

• Sometimes saying nothing at all says   everything. If your friend or loved one wants to talk about her   treatments, complain about his situation, or not talk at all, being a good   listener or simply a quiet presence speaks volumes. When a person complains,   many of us jump to “help” by suggesting solutions. That’s likely not what your   friend or loved one is looking for. As my patients have said time and time   again, sometimes they just want to get it all off their chest. An empathetic   listener is all the help they need.

• Make your offer of help specific.   “Call me if you need anything at all,” puts the burden on your loved one – who   already carries a tremendous burden! Instead, you might offer to make dinner   for her family on Wednesday night and ask what meal everyone enjoys. Or   volunteer to drive him to his doctor appointment on Monday afternoon. This   makes it easy for your friend to politely accept or decline your offer, and it   ensures you provide the assistance you feel comfortable providing.

• Not sure what to talk about?   Follow his lead. Some days, my patients want to talk only about their illness,   the treatment they’re undergoing, and how they feel. Other days, they want to   talk about anything BUT cancer. We all have days when we’re immersed in our   own lives and other days when we want to be distracted – or to just feel   normal.

• If you’re not sure what to say, err on the   side of being positive. Don’t say what you don’t know – for instance,   you don’t know that everything is going to be just fine. But if you admire   your loved one’s strength or sense of humor, if your friend’s attitude   inspires you, tell them so. We all benefit from hearing a sincere   compliment.

When a person who’s going through what may be the most  difficult, stressful event of their lives knows that you care, it makes a  difference, Barr says.

“If you’re truly at a loss for words, it never hurts to  simply say, ‘I’m thinking about you.”

*as of Jan. 1, 2012; National Cancer Institute

About Niki Barr, Ph.D.  (@NikiBarrPhD)


Niki Barr, Ph.D. founded a pioneering psychotherapy practice  dedicated to working with cancer patients in all stages of the disease, along  with their family members, caregivers and friends. In her book, she describes an  “emotional wellness toolbox” patients can put together with effective and simple  strategies, ready to use at any time, for helping them move forward through  cancer. Dr. Barr is a dynamic and popular speaker, sharing her insights with  cancer patients and clinicians across the nation.

Images courtesy of Niki Barr, Ph.D.

Purchase Book Here.

Lindsey Jenn

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